I visited home in June for my sister’s graduation and got to spend some much-needed quality time with family and friends. And in the midst of excited reunions and eating all the food I had missed, I also proceeded to fail my driver’s license test twice.
Each time, I was failed for a single mistake, and as I sat in the passenger seat on the ride back home from the DMV, I would replay the simple mistake I had made over and over again. And the memory would drive me insane. My failures really made me question me ability to be a functioning adult, and I proceeded to have a total meltdown, which baffled me because it was a simple test that wasn’t uncommon to fail.
And then the Lord came in, with all of His gentleness and wisdom, and revealed to me that I was very much still living a performance-mentality life. I felt like my identity as a daughter, a friend, and a co-worker was determined by the results of my work. And the traumatic act of failing a driver’s test twice was a huge hit to my pride and how much I thought I was worth.
It’s crazy, because performance mentality was an area in my life that I thought I had received freedom from, but when we begin to rely on old habits to help us survive in tougher seasons, we can really unknowingly slip into the same patterns that we had cast off. I realized that in the midst of trying to settle into a new work environment and community, I had also settled back into old habits.
So failing the same test twice had been the final trigger in making me snap. All the ugly, brokenness that had been deceitfully hiding behind my desires to serve and love well came tumbling into the light. And so it’s been a beautiful(ly painful) few months of repenting for allowing my own abilities and works to take away from who God was really calling me to be, while also constantly reminding myself that my work does not define who I am. It’s my attitude and response to these situations that portray who I am, and ultimately, all that I am is a child of God.
I am not my grades. I am not how many projects I successfully complete at work. I am not how well I sing or dance. I am not how well I dress or talk. I am simply just me. A child of God. A lover of His presence. One who desires to love and serve well. And there’s no one I want to please and adore more than my Father in Heaven, who says that I am enough. And so I move forward, knowing that my identity is in HIM, and that I work to love well and serve better out of obedience and love to CHRIST, and no one else.
And one day soon… I WILL get that driver’s license.