Dear God… Do I trust you? Can I trust you? Are you listening?

These have been all of my questions in the last few weeks.

As the news of my mother’s declining health hit me, I felt like God just didn’t hear my prayers. Maybe He just didn’t get to them with all the things going on in the world. I even began to think that my prayers weren’t that big of deal in comparison to all the issues going on around the world.

But I know I’m WRONG. Friends, in love, can I say that I’m so wrong. And that’s the beautiful part. In the delayed answer, I tend to assume God isn’t listening, but this is completely contrary to his very nature and character. Our God is always listening and always present. [Psalm 116:2]

He promises to never leave or forsake me… But my fragile heart, in the midst of the struggle and circumstances, had begun to panic and I ASSUMED that God had left me.

But I’m not alone in this assumption. The disciples struggled in their trust and walk with the LORD too, even though Jesus was present in the physical with them. [Matthew 8:23-27]

Even Adam and Eve mistrusted the Lord and His goodness. [Genesis 3:4]

So then, maybe I could justify my mistrust in the only One trustworthy, and blame someone or something that has been ingrained in us from the beginning of time…

But that’s not true either.

In my heart, this reality and tension has never been more realized than now, as I walk with my mother through her health issues. For 10+ years my mom has suffered with an illness and I’ve prayed. I’ve fasted. I’ve contended and stood in the gap and done everything humanly possible.

I’ve been told it’s my mom’s lack of faith. My lack of faith. Or maybe it wasn’t the Lord’s will to heal her…

I don’t believe that. [Isaiah 53:5]

But then why? Wasn’t God listening? Couldn’t He see me? Couldn’t he see my mom in pain and suffering? These question in my heart led me to the deep mistrust I had, and the bottom line I’ve arrived to is… Do I really trust God?

In all honesty, not fully. But I want to. In the admittance of that truth, I’ve found a peace and faith rising in my heart like never before.

My mom + her health + her life = in the Father’s hands. I have to TRUST God and His unfailing, unchanging character that He indeed will take care of her.

And then I was led to John 11:1-44, the story of Lazarus. What seemed dead to everyone’s eyes was actually just SLEEPING and very much ALIVE…

My heart, although tender, is finding hope in the only One who is HOPE… JESUS. And knowing that the moment I prayed, angels were dispatched on my mother’s behalf. [Daniel 10:12-13]

So, until her body lines up with the complete work of the cross. I wait, I stand, and have faith and hope, knowing that my God is always on time and He promises to never leave me or forsake me.

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