Sitting with Jesus. Is that not the goal of our Christian journey? To sit with the one that is closer than a brother. To run to the One who understands every human emotion and has overcome every human challenge and temptation.
These last few months, I have experienced first hand the beauty and the cost that comes from sitting completely exposed at the feet of Jesus. The cost is painful, convicting removal of every comfort, surrendering as He relentlessly destroys every idol taking up space that should be His. The beauty is that as I allow Him into areas of my heart that have gone untouched for years, I am met by a gentle hand, unintimidated by the clutter and eager to purify the mess.
How is it that The Perfect God, the powerful, uncreated, eternal being that SPOKE the world into motion, can love me in my indecisiveness, my rebellion, my inconsistency, and my weakness? He doesn’t demand immediate perfection from me or glower from heaven in anger. He isn’t threatened by the chaos in my mind or heart. He is steady. He is patient. He fights on my behalf.
Coming into this season, I felt an invitation from the Lord. “Let me go in, let me go deep, let me heal what’s broken and recreate what is out of place”. I’m not sure what my expectation was as I said yes to Him, but I expected a fast resolve. Isn’t that the common theme of our generation? We demand instant gratification. If the wifi is slow, we are overcome by anger; we are not familiar with patience. As I allowed the Lord to search my heart and bring my damage to the light, I waited for the healing. I waited for direction, the next steps, the practicals to obey.
Instead of hearing a to-do list, I was met by silence. Quietness introduced confusion, and my mind entered a panic. “What am I supposed to do with these painful memories that the Lord brought up? How am I supposed to clean up the mess that I just uncovered? How do I control the anger spilling out of me?” This was the same anger that I had so very carefully tucked away to keep myself safe from me. Familiar symptoms that I had not experienced in a very long time returned- shortness of breath, sweating, trembling, nausea and dizziness. I remember quickly rushing back to my room where I could sit and try to compose myself. As I sat on my bedroom floor, completely overwhelmed, His tangible presence manifested in the room. I felt Him walk in, sit beside me, and put His hand on my back. As we sat together in silence, I could feel Him overwhelm the pain that had smothered me minutes before.
In that moment He was teaching me to sit with Him. He was teaching me to be still and to KNOW that He is God, to listen to Him and glean Truths more precious and lasting than gold. He is mighty, He is strong, He is for me. He is faithful to carry me up the mountain, and He is doing the fighting. He heals me, He is mending what is broken and is watering the roots in me.
A friend texted me a line from the film “Heart of Man” that reminded them of my current season. “God wants you naked. Why? Because He wants to clothe you. God wants you to enter into heartache because He wants to bring you a taste of true joy. We think God is trying to get us to conform, but He’s committed to bringing us into utter transformation.”
True beauty is found in being fully broken and known. True safety is found in knowing we have permission to sit, be still, and be held by the arms of the one who would stop at nothing to show us His love. He left His throne in order to rip the veil of separation. He chose to be born of a virgin in a janky stable. He gave Himself no beauty or majesty to attract us to Him, was despised and rejected by mankind, and grew intimately familiar with pain. He took up our pain and bore our suffering. He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities, He bore the punishment that brought us peace. What peace and comfort are found in sitting with Jesus, the Calmer of the Storm, the Prince of Peace, the Restorer of our Soul.
Intimacy is born through the pain, through sitting together in silence and being held in the quiet. This is where the foundation of trust is strengthened. This is where history with His gaze is created.
My prayer today is that no matter the season that we are in, in the waiting or the doing, in the healing or in the celebration, in the mourning or the joy, in the busy or the rest, we will hear His invitation and respond accordingly. His invitation to sit with Him, and be still, and be fully known.