There was nothing out of the ordinary in my day. I was just the same as I’d always been. At this point in my life, my past was something I held onto with a clenched fist, remembering and sometimes re-living all the moments of pain. My past had a nasty hold on me too, and despite all the inner healing I had walked through and freedom I had personally contended for, I was still not walking in the fullness of the cross in my own life.
But then something happened, and this moment will forever mark me.
It was the moment I realized that because of my own stubbornness, I wasn’t walking in the freedom that scripture says is MINE.
My friends and I were just all hanging out and talking back and forth; when I was asked a question about my past. I answered like I always do, which was to explain my past, my background, my history. And all these EXCUSES just kept flowing right out of me…
“THIS is why I’m the way that I am.”
I boasted in my ability to hold onto a grudge. I held onto my bitterness and resentment, saying it was okay because “I was wronged.” [Matthew 6:14-15]
In this moment, I heard myself in all my brokenness, and I broke. No wonder I wasn’t free….
I wasn’t free because of me.
Everything was connected to moments of hurt and disappointment, and then I heard the Lord so clearly say, “I can fix that.”
It came down to my choice. Would I stay in the place of brokenness forever, or would I choose to let down my guard, my pride, my walls and let the Lord in?
As I began the process of letting go and healing, the Lord began to show me that in the hardest moments of my life, He was there. He grieved over my innocence and purity being stolen, He cried with me, and He was there…
And He was present now, asking the simple question, “Will you let me love you?”
I truly believe that the moment I said “yes” to fully letting the Lord love me, in the hardest, most dark places of my past, I began to release and let go. There was no longer a reason to blame my past for my current behavior. I have been made new with Christ and as I continued to let His love renew my mind and hear, my old tendencies and grudge-holding had to go. [2 Corinthians 5:17]
No longer did I want to punish or withhold love from those who had wronged me. Instead of anger and hurt, I was filled with compassion and a lot of hope.
I don’t know how the Lord does it! Every time I come to him with my hurt and shame and brokenness, He fills all the holes with His amazing love, and being anything but whole just doesn’t make sense anymore.
I want to be okay and I can say I am now on the best journey of life, to getting there. Healthy and fully redeemed by His amazing love.