On August 30th, 2016, my father passed away. It was sudden. No one saw it coming. My world was turned upside down. To me, he was the perfect example of a loving father. He was my best friend. I loved him with all of my heart and just like that, he was gone. After his death, I immediately went into a state of anger and bitterness; I was angry with everyone, I was angry with myself and I was angry with God. I felt lost. I didn’t know how I was going to live life without him. He wouldn’t be there to encourage me and give me those words of advice. He wouldn’t be there to walk me down the aisle or meet his grandchildren. All these things flooded my mind. I never experienced a pain like that.
In the midst of my pain, God was still calling me. For years, I felt the call to missions and had been looking at ways to actually pursue that call. I knew about YWAM and was doing my research for a couple years, but the Lord only directed me to the base here in Kansas City to do their Justice & Compassion Discipleship Training School. And even thought this was after my dad passed, God’s call just became stronger and stronger. My family didn’t understand and to be honest I didn’t either. The timing was so wrong, but it was perfect in God’s eyes. A couple of months later, I left my home in Barbados to come to Kansas City in complete obedience. Really having no idea what I was doing and still feeling the pain of everything, I just followed Him.
When I got to the base and started the DTS, it was like my eyes were finally opened to all the junk I had in my heart. Especially, the fact that I had unforgiveness in my heart towards the Lord, because he didn’t step in when I was pleading for my father’s healing. It was a tough pill to swallow. I had unforgiveness towards God, but I was still trying to follow Him which really wasn’t a good combination.
A theme that stuck out to me during the first couple weeks of DTS was the importance of discovering your identity in Christ and being sons and daughters of God. It was hard for me to truly believe this. All I could think of was that I wanted my earthly father back. I had a great father and I felt like God took him away from me. I was frustrated. I didn’t want to let God be that Father to me.
This past week I got a revelation that turned everything around. Rejection and the fear of rejection were things that I was struggling with for a very long time. To the point where if I felt that someone was going to reject me, I would reject them before they could even get around to it. That way “I wouldn’t get hurt.” The Lord revealed to me that I was doing that to Him. I felt rejected by Him when my father wasn’t healed, so I rejected Him. I didn’t let Him in. I closed off my heart to Him. That realization broke me. I could see Him weeping, and I immediately, through tears, repented and asked God for forgiveness and He was gracious enough to give it to me. I realized that I had been letting the rejection from others in my past define how I saw God and was believing in the lies of the enemy.
The truth is that God is a good and faithful Father. He made me, He accepts me and He loves me. He didn’t want my father to die. When sin entered the world, death did too. God didn’t want death. But He is sovereign and knows the end from the beginning. At the end of it all, He will reign and there will be no more death, no more tears, and no more pain. I choose to trust in Him and know that what the devil meant for evil, God will turn it around for good. I will hold onto God’s truth and resist the lies of the devil. Through this season of suffering and brokenness, God has made himself so real to me and is continuing to do so. I am a daughter of the most high God and He has adopted me into His family. I will walk in this truth every day.
“For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!”” – Romans 8:15