Ah, fear. If I were a superhero, fear would be my archenemy.
I’ve let different fears grip me for the longest time. The greatest one being the fear of surrender. I’m a very organized and detailed person. I’m a planner. I’m not very spontaneous and being so gives me anxiety. “Wait…no. We have to plan what we’re doing! We can’t just wing it!” I am the complete opposite of going with the flow. So how does my planner nature relate to my fear of surrender? Literally everything.
Letting go of my control and surrendering it to Jesus was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and I’m really not exaggerating when I say it was the hardest. Especially when it came to surrendering my future to the Lord.
Since I was young, I had my whole life planned. It would change in different ways when I discovered new passions and burdens on my heart, but the planning aspect of my life always remained the same. Coming to DTS has been the biggest leap of faith I’ve taken with God. “Father, what am I going to do after DTS? Are you calling me to long-term missions? What about the nations you put on my heart? How am I supposed to use the gifts and talents you gave me? Can I even be healed from the pain of my past? Do I even have a calling and purpose?” These endless questions swarmed my mind throughout the first few weeks of DTS.
As we went through Freedom Week, I realized that my fear of surrender was one of the biggest obstacles stopping me from stepping into God’s call on my life.
It was hindering our relationship from moving forward. I had come to DTS in faith but still hadn’t surrendered everything to Him. But on Friday evening of Freedom Week, I felt a powerful change. Our DTS was praying for one of our friends when the Lord started encountering all of us. There was so much pain I had been withholding from Jesus when all He wanted for me to do was run to Him. He already knew everything, but he wanted ME to come talk to HIM because he is a relational God and He loves me. He’d been knocking on the door of my shattered heart, but I had kept it locked up tight. I didn’t want to go through the pain I knew would occur as Jesus took me through the healing. But when I finally handed Him the keys to the door, I felt the warmth of His presence surround me. And I surrendered. I didn’t want to hold onto the pain any longer, and I no longer wanted control over my life.
Since then, something has changed in my spirit. Whenever conversations about the future, finances or my past come, I feel this overwhelming peace. God came, broke off the fear of surrender and replaced it with His wisdom. That’s not to say that I don’t find myself freaking out about God’s plans for my life. I still freak out at times, but I now trust Jesus to reveal those plans to me in His timing.