As a missionary, change is expected. I’ve had to learn flexibility and what it means to go with the flow. I realized early on in this adventure that I couldn’t get too comfortable anywhere. I didn’t sign up for comfortability, but to follow God wherever he went. For the most part, I’ve really grown in this area; I’ve allowed God to stretch me and change my plans. The transition, however, is always a struggle for me.
I’m quieter than others. When God places me in new settings, I’m excited but often nervous, evaluating my new environment. I soon get frustrated that I’m not more outgoing; I get irritated that I don’t adjust faster. In my mind, I begin to list my inadequacies and failings. Every mistake I make replays in mind, making me want to crawl under my covers. I hate the process, I struggle to keep going and question whether I made the right choice in stepping out.
In this moment, the enemy has me where he wants. My mind is riddled with lies, my confidence is low, my trust in God and my ability to hear from him is being questioned. God’s will is not a clear as it was when I began the process. There are doubts, there are fear and a very strong temptation to run back to the old things— the “comfortable” things. What happened?
Transitions are part of every season, they are a part of the process we go through. We are impatient with it, but our Father is not. He loves our process. In these times of uncertainty, when I find myself struggling to adjust, struggling with His will and questioning my identity, I know what I have to do.
I have to run to the open arms of a Father who is not shaken. He is not shaken by my questions, by my doubt, or my mistakes. He patiently waits till I realize that I can’t figure this out on my own— I desperately need him. He is overwhelmed with joy when I come. It doesn’t matter that I’m a little beaten up, weak and feeling defeated. He is the Restorer… it’s who He is, it’s what He does. He breathes life into my weary body, reminds me of truths I’ve forgotten, and picks me back up.
The process is rarely clean, often messy. I am impatient and reminded of my weaknesses. Nevertheless, He is faithful. He is not surprised or intimidated by my response or my weaknesses. He didn’t leave me to do it on my own. He’s been there the whole time, ready to step in, ready to catch me before I fall, whispering truths.
So I keep going…. but this time, I go holding hands with the one who loves me best. And he says to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” [2 Corinthians 12:9]